Why men are just happier people
I get this email once every eight months or so —you probably do too— and it never fails to bring a smile to my dial. Enjoy.
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can wear a t–shirt to a water park.
- You can wear no t–shirt to a water park
- Motor mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another service station because this one is “just too yucky”.
- You don't have too stop and think about which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Less of the same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress – $4000; tux rental $100.
- People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- The occasional well–rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five–day holiday requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.50 a three–pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough (one black pair, golf shoes, one pair sandals).
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothing.
- Everything on your face stays its original colour.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet, one colour, all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter what your legs look like.
- You can “do” your nails with a pocket–knife or your teeth.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
There are a few others worth mentioning, too, though most of them are in poor taste. Maybe that’s just me.
- A shaved head is a perfectly reasonable haircut.
- Other people’s misfortunes are funny because they aren’t yours.
- Scars make you look tough, especially if they’re on your face.
- “Gag reflex” isn’t something you need to worry about when performing oral sex.
- Grunts are fully permissible as communicative acts.
- Orgasms are a right, not a privelege.
- Nobody thinks you’re a slut.
- Forgetting to shave makes you look rugged, and rugged is cool.
- A hand is as good a comb as any you could buy.
- Hairdryers have one application: inflating air–mattresses
- Mens’ magazines rarely feature crosswords, and never hold advice from any kind of psychic.
- You can probably go your entire life without having any part of your anatomy waxed. Probably.
- Silence isn’t something that needs to be filled.
- Crossing your legs is a fairly simple affair, and holds little danger of underwear exposure.
- Nobody needs to hold your hair while you puke.
- If your car, stereo, computer, or lawnmower breaks down you can probably figure it out yourself. If not, hey — you get to buy a new one.