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It’s really a lot

In preparing my fantastic new Garlic Bread recipe, I’ve stumbled upon something grand… the fucktonne. Forget metric, forget imperial, the fucktonne is the measurement system of the future. It applies to such an array of measurable amounts (fluid or otherwise) that it can only be described as “amazing”.

I’m thinking that the general gist of the fucktonne is that if you’re utilizing any amount of any substance so great that passersby may say “Hey. Slow down there, <insert appropriate derogatory remark>!”, that is a fucktonne. For example, a fucktonne of…

Butter
“Hey. Slow down there, fatty”
Fuel
“Hey. Slow down there, turbo”
Prozac
“Hey. Slow down there, psycho”

In preparation for the widespread adoption of the fucktonne in common language and scientific texts, I am patenting the word and close variants of the word. In future, every time you say “fucktonne”, “fuck tonne”, or “fucked one”, you will be required to mail me a cheque for seven cents. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, chumps.