Skip Navigation

The hog and its breath

I’m not a big “steakhouse guy”, so excuse my ignorance on the matter, but last night myself and a cadre of compadres ventured north to Joondalup and in to the Hog’s Breath Café. Now, this place is an all–Australian restaurant. It’s franchised, yes, but it’s an Australian franchise (and one that has no interest in going to the US, since their “steakhouse market” is likely saturated). Their only tie with America (as one waitress told us) is that one of the franchisees is Canadian. Great tie, that.

I have no idea why, then, that this restaurant is decked out in some of the most Americanized, white–trash–inspired crap on the planet: license plates from dozens of American states, cigar–store indians, saloon doors, hardwood everywhere and TVs looping footage from demolition derbies and dirt bike bonanzas. That aside, it’s a pretty interesting place. Huge meals, decent prices, Long Island Iced Teas and plenty of steak.

Apparently, they slow–roast a huge friggin’ chunk of cow for 18 hours before you’ve even set foot in the restaurant. When you order, they carve you a nice big (very big) slice of bovine and sear it quickly… so that it appears to be a steak instead of just a piece of roast beef. There’s a dozen different ways to have it, and they even find ways to recycle last night’s leftovers by beating it with a mallet, crumbing it and turning it into schnitzel.

It’s all very generous and all very tender, but at the end of the day you’re left thinking “that was a steak with a side of vegetables… I used to beg my parents to cook something other than that.” At least I finally got to try a Long Island Iced Tea.