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Bar etiquette

Having the pleasure of working in one of Satan’s Strongholds, I’ve noticed a lot of people are either unfamiliar with how to behave in a bar/pub/nightclub/liquor store or they’re just morons. While I suspect the latter, I must hope for the former and pray that these tips will help them see the light:

  1. Don’t assume that your favorite brand is the only brand available. Asking for “a beer” or “a bourbon and coke” may not yield the desired result, and you’ve just waived the right to grumble.
  2. Don’t complain that a single isn’t strong enough
  3. Don’t complain that a double is too expensive; get this: it’s two singles.
  4. That slice of lemon in your water is a privilege, not a right.
  5. No, there isn’t a law mandating free water in bars. If there were, all those pillhead bars in Northbridge would go out of business.
  6. The old drunk at the end of the bar is not “gross”, he’s been drinking here longer than you’ve been alive. He commands your respect.
  7. Just because I gave him a free beer doesn’t mean you’re gonna get one. Stop winking at me.
  8. Giggling and tossing your hair will get you nowhere. A phone number might.
  9. That law about me not serving you if you’re too drunk is real, and you’d best remember that I’m the one who gets to decide what ‘too’ drunk is.
  10. The story about you forgetting your ID is funny —it is— but think how much funnier the story of how you had to walk in the rain to three different bars before one of them would buy your lousy ID story will be. You’ll be able to tell it to your grandkids.
  11. The peanuts may be free, but every shell that hits the floor costs you a dollar.
  12. You’re the one asking for the drink, so you of all people should know what it’s called.
  13. There is no such spirit as “Jim Bean”.