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Three ways til Sunday

Since when was oral sex even remotely taboo? Why the media flurry? Maybe I’m exposing a generational gap between myself and the legitimate media here, but to my recollection oral sex has been considered stark-plum normal for, well, forever. Girls go down on guys, guys go down on girls, guys go down on guys, girls go down on girls; nobody even blinks. And if the out-of-date porno I stole from my old man in the ninth grade is anything to go by, oral sex was as prevalent (and as boring to watch) in the late sixties as it is today.

Frankly I’m shocked that the newspapers are shocked that more than half of the country’s teenagers have given or received a blow job in their lives. Going down on someone is a basic commitment to physical relations without going “all the way”. Dammit kids, you could’ve learned this watching Dawson’s Creek.

Sure, maybe teens need to be better educated that oral isn’t completely risk-free —there is, no doubt, a huge number that believe that you can’t transmit disease giving head because “it’s not sex”— but give them some credit for reducing the risk of pregnancy, they’re using their noggins; better a habitual cocksucker than a teen mother. This is an issue for the education department, it’s not a moral dilemma.

But hey, this is the US of A. Smut is a bigger threat than terrorism.

Now anal sex, there’s some interesting numbers; because even if it is the new black people still see it as a Barbarella’s exotica. As taboo. Jesus, I just named three local strip joints; throw in a Doll’s House and a Red Windmill and I get the set. But people know about the dangers of anal sex, it’s been high on the list of panicky drills (excuse me) since the late-eighties HIV hysteria. Anal sex might be fifty times more dangerous than oral sex, but I’d wager people are ninety-nine times more likely to use a condom during anal sex than oral, and to address Saletan’s question:

Presumably, oral sex is far more frequent than anal sex. But are you confident it's 50 times more frequent?

The answer is yes; I’m entirely confident oral sex is fifty times more frequent than anal sex. I’d venture several hundred times more frequent, actually, and that’s just from casual polling. How ‘bout we all go set up some sex diaries and count for real?

The media need to lighten the fuck up, then go home and surprise the wife.