There are few things funnier in this world than walking into Don Camillo’s Seafood Smorgasbord with a group of noble, sophisticated, italian relatives; and leaving three hours later with a stumbling bunch of pissed farts.
In short, I dined with Fiona’s family last night. Her extended family. So many drunken italians, so many embarrassed-looking teenagers, so many sick-looking children having eaten too much white-chocolate mud cake, so many memories. I can see why Fiona and Marina are so frequently embarrassed by their “crazy” family, but hey, they’re not my family — I had a great time! It was like partying with my friends... only everybody was much older and married.
Conversation covered the following topics:
- Why Hugo will grow up to be a raging queer
- Why being queer gets you all the chicks
- Why Linda should speak at funerals more often
- How long exactly we'll all be spending in purgatory
- Why living at home with your Mother at age 39 is a noteworthy achievment
They make my family look like a bunch of boring assholes, so it’s a nice balance. After dinner we went to the Subiaco Hotel, and then to the Red Sea. I don’t know whether my mood was to blame on the long day I’d just had, or the fact that I was the designated driver, but my evening took a tumbling dive into shite the moment we stepped into Club Red Sea. I hate human beings and I loathe clubs. How many desperate jackoffs does it take to fill a nightclub? and how many dosed-up sluts found themselves waking up in a gutter this morning after going down on some total stranger last night? When I have to pay five bucks to get into a smoky room, pay another seven bucks for an orange ruski because “we're out of beer” and then listen to Kylie Minogue/New Order’s bastard “Can’t get Blue Monday out of my head” I am ready to kill.
Fiona and Katie’s desperate attempts to get me on the dance floor were tedious, and four-hundred strangers jiving to some of the world’s worst music ever is my own private hell. Then again, maybe I just needed some god-damned caffeine and I wouldn’t be in such a spiteful mood.